Self-explanatory, really. If you haven't figured it out yet, read on and you will. Suggestions for things to include at the next update can be sent to the usual e-mail address.

1. The Military Mind
   • Sergeant Bilko/Quatermass and the Pit
   • The Weakest Link/David Cronenberg's Scanners
   • Dr Strangelove/ The West Wing
   • Degrassi Junior High/Battle Royale
   
   "Ja, mein Bartlett!" shouts Leo McGarry, leaping from his chair...
   
   
2. Directors in Bondage
   • Akira Kurosawa's Monkey (in which Monkey and Pigsy murder that annoying little sod Tripitaka and lie about it to Sandy)
   • Steven Spielberg's Bent (in which nothing happens, because everybody knows only the Jews were killed in the Holocaust, right? OK, OK, I'll shut up about it now...)
   • Sergio Leone's Steel Magnolias (in which Olympia Dukakis, The Woman With No Facelift, girds her loins, gets up a posse and rides out into the country to avenge Julia Roberts' death before dying in a hail of bullets. Next week: Sergio Leone's Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.)
   • David Lynch's The Prisoner (totally unchanged, except that Number Six is played by Kyle McLachlan)
     
     
3. You Do The Math
   • Taken and Left Behind
   • Another 48 Hours and Gone in 60 Seconds
   • 24 and 8 ½ (presumably this would work out to 204)
   • Philadelphia and Chicago
   
   
   
4. Crossoveru no Rowlingu-san...
   • Harry Potter and the Battle Royale (thanks to Daniel O'Mahony)
   • Harry Potter and the Valley of the Wind
   • Harry Potter and the Forty-Seven Ronin
   
   
   
5. Get your hands off me, you dirty stinking It Girl...
   • Valley of the Dolls
   • Escape from the Valley of the Dolls
   • Beneath the Valley of the Dolls
   • Conquest of the Valley of the Dolls
   • Battle for the Valley of the Dolls
   
   
   
6. Lynch Mob (or: various classic films as directed by that Twin Peaks bloke)
   • The Man Who Shot Dorothy Valence
   • Dumbo the Elephant Man
   • National Blue Velvet
   • Henry and Dune
   • Eraserhead over Heels
   • Lost Highway 66
   
   
   
7. Knowing Miyazaki, knowing youazaki
   • Nausicaa and the Valley of the Dolls
   • A Little Princess Mononoke
   • Kiki the Ferret's Delivery Service
   • Blithe Spirited Away
   
   
   
8. "Spielberg could, and probably would, work divorce and father-child bonding into Last And First Men" (me, 29 June 2004)
   • Steven Spielberg's For A Few Dollars More, in which Clint Eastwood, the Divorced Father with No Name, sets out to hire himself out as a mercenary and winds up bonding with long-lost son Lee van Cleef.
   • Steven Spielberg's Oedipus Rex, in which Oedipus encounters a divorced old man on the road, kills him, then bonds with the corpse.
   • Steven Spielberg's Alien, in which Ripley's divorced husband (played by Tom Hanks) turns up on the Nostromo, saves the day by killing the alien, John Hurt and pretty much everyone else, delivers a stern lecture to Ripley about cold-hearted career women neglecting their families and feminine duties, and then bonds with their daughter despite the fact that he's several hundred light-years away from her and that she will consequently be dead from old age before the ship gets anywhere interesting.
   • Steven Spielberg's The Midwich Cuckoos, reformatted as a tug-of-love tale in which Zellaby (played by Tom Cruise) appeals for parental rights against some mysterious extraterrestrial entity, and wins because he's that much more adorable and appealling. Also stars Dakota Fanning as every single one of the Midwich Children.
   • Steven Spielberg's Mutiny on the Bounty. Captain Bligh must get in touch with his feelings and bond with long-lost son Fletcher Christian before the latter maroons him on Pitcairn Island with a bunch of bare-breasted lovelies.
9. Grand Theft Auto Games We'll Never See (but they'd actually be really cool despite that)
   • GTA: Weimar Republic
   • GTA: Kaldor City
   • GTA: British Columbia
   • GTA: Croydon
   • GTA: Metropolis (comes with alternate Superman and Fritz Lang modules)